Found
by Maeinli
Summary: He'd done many things he's not proud of. He's taken lives and has hurt those he's loves most. How do you find forgivness when you cannot forgive yourself?


Disclaimer: Man I get tired of putting these. It ruins my dilusions of actually owning these characters :(

**Found **

The room was pure white. A comforting color that almost blinded the senses. It was meant to be a room that could help you heal, mentally if not physically. But all it did was leave Kiku unsettled.

He did not belong here. White meant innocence it meant purity. And he was _anything _but pure or innocent.

He was tainted, impure, a killer. They put him in here to heal, to become better. Perhaps they could cure his damaged body, but they could not fix what was truly wrong, no one could.

He'd don't so many things that he was ashamed of. Things he could _never _take back. He'd damaged America-san, greatly; he'd fought for something he didn't necessarily believe in. He'd played a part in killing so many people.

He'd hurt those he'd loved.

Kiku clenched his bandaged fists against the thin covers, wishing he could just disappear. Leave and never come back. Anything could be better than continuing to exist the way he was.

Tears fell.

…

He remembered a long time ago, a conversation that he had with Aniki, a time when he _had _been innocent, and perhaps pure as well.

_It had started with a story from China's long and complicated History; he'd come across when he was studying. It talked of gruesome battles, of lives lost, brother's fighting against one another. It was called a war. Confused, he went to find Yao-nii (because back then, nii-san had all the answers.)_

_He'd found him in his room, applying careful, deliberate stokes to a sheet of paper. He sat ridged and concentrated. But hearing a soft approach, Yao paused in his work setting down the brush as he turned towards the doorway._

"_Nii-san" _

_Yao smiled, and gestured the small country to come sit on his lap. Kiku came and settled himself carefully in the larger country's arms, "What is it, Nihon-kun?" _

_Kiku lifted the book into his older brother's view, his face forming into a small frown, "Nii-san, why do the people in this book fight? Do they hate each other?" _

_Yao frowned as he realized the young country's choice in reading material, but he knew that he would not get any peace if he left the curious boy's question unanswered. "Sometimes, Nihon-kun" _

_Kiku lifted his eyes to meet his brother's, they were still clouded in confusion. "But some of these say that _family _is fighting each other. Why would they do that? _They _don't hate each other, do they?" _

_Yao wrapped his arms around the younger boy, leaning his cheek against that small head, ruffling his hair. Kiku shifted slightly, glancing up in question, "Nii-san?" _

"_No, aru. They don't hate each other." _

"_Then why…" _

"_They fight over land, money, power, over differences they can't agree on…" Kiku considered this information carefully for a few minutes. _

"_Those don't sound like very good reasons." Yao smiled wistfully at the firm tone the small country had. _

"_They aren't, aru." _

"_Then, why…?" _

_Yao sighed, "Because some think it is the right decision, or that it might be the only way, aru. And some…are just lost." _

_Kiku thought it over, then came to a decision, "Don't worry, Nii-san, I'm not ever going to fight." He said this with finality that only a child could posses, Yao almost laughed at the firm way the other had spoken, but he choose to smile softly instead. _

"_I hope so, aru." _

…

'_Not ever going to fight.'_ Is_ that _what he'd promised? What a joke _that _had turned out to be. Not only had he fought, but he also fought _against _his brother. He had done the unthinkable, and he could never take it back.

The other countries had come to visit him, to see if he was healing. Even _American-san. _Why they would do this, was beyond him. He didn't deserve to be asked if he was all right, to heal, he couldn't become better.

China had not come, and Kiku did not expect him to do so.

Because who could forgive a traitor like him?

…

Sitting up the hospital, Kiku stared out of the window, lost in thought. As he heard the door open, he turned around to come face to face with Yao, who was staring back at him with an unreadable expression.

"Nii-san…" Kiku said in a whisper so close to nothing at all, that if the other had heard it, Kiku would be nothing short of amazed. Why was he here? He shouldn't be. Yao shifted from one foot to the other.

"How are you doing, aru?"

Kiku shrugged uncomfortably, "I am alright."

Yao looked away from Kiku and turned his gaze towards the window his younger brother had been looking through only moments before. The silence was a presence in and among itself until Yao broke it once more.

"I came to bring you this." Sitting down carefully on the edge of the bed, Yao held out a picture. It was an old one of all of them. Korea pouncing on Kiku, barely making it into the picture, Taiwan laughing at their antics, Hong Kong wearing a small smile and Nii-san was standing over them, arms wrapped around Kiku and Hong Kong, smiling.

Kiku frowned, confused. Why would he give him this? He was about to say something when Yao said, "I am…sorry, aru."

Kiku's head shot up, indignant, "What are _you_ sorry for? You have nothing to apologize for, you've done nothing wrong…" Kiku was cut off when Yao placed a hand on his forehead.

He spoke slowly and deliberately, "I'm sorry for hurting you. I'm sorry for not coming sooner. I'm sorry for not trying to understand, aru. And I'm sorry…for fighting against my brother."

Kiku felt tears form and begin to fall as Yao took one of his hands; lacing their fingers together, carefully and with the other hand he wiped away the other's tears. Yao smiled gently, understanding, tears of his own starting to cloud his vision.

In a broken and choked voice, Kiku said what he'd been thinking about for so long, "I promised."

Yao looked confused for a moment, not catching the point the other was trying to make, "What did you promise, aru?"

"I promised…that I would never…fight." Kiku's tears became uncontrollable sobs, wracking his entire body. It hurt, it hurt so much. It hurt to realize what he'd done, it hurt to realize what he'd lost. It hurt to realize what he'd become.

Yao cupped the back of his head, pulling the younger nation into a tight hug, careful not to touch the wounds the other carried. "That was a long time ago, Nihon."

Kiku shook his head against the other's chest, "But I promised."

Yao sighed, as he looked out the window, holding the other closely, in hopes that this would help ease the pain in some way, "I know…. I know."

Kiku's hands tightened into fists, clinging to his brother's back. "I am a traitor, I _hurt _you, and I've done terrible things."

"We _all _have, Nihon-kun. That's what a war _is, _aru." Yao rubbed his back in slow circles trying to soothe his younger brother with words as well as actions.

"I am tainted." Yao rested his chin against Kiku's head, something he'd done countless times before.

"No you are not tainted, aru. You are just lost" Kiku to look up, still in pain though the tears had stopped. Yao smiled, placing a hand against his cheek.

"But that does not mean you cannot be found."

-----

_So much angst! Why so angsty Kiku? Really. This hurt to just write D: But regardless, I loved the way this turned out. It may be an overdone idea, but I think this just might be my favorite drabble of Hetalia that I've written so far (Sure because that says _so _much considering I've only written 3 XDD) _

_As always, R&R :) _


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